Tag Archives: best friend

Comfy Pants vs. Potted Plants: We Take a Look at Online Dating

There are two things that happen pretty regularly when you are single.

First, your friends want to set you up with someone they know. It could be a friend, a relative, a neighbor, or – if your best friend is as awesome as mine – a cute guy she spots in the grocery store and then gives your number to because she knows how awesome you are and feels certain that he is deserving enough (or at least cute enough) to also experience your awesomeness.

And you are awesome. Don’t ever forget that. Even if the guy from the grocery store never calls. Clearly he’s afraid of an adventure, the sissy. Or he’s already attached. Or he’s not 100% in love with the idea of telling folks that he met the love of his life after her best friend (who was probably giggling like a maniac) hastily scribbled his future love’s telephone number on the back of a receipt, threw it at him whilst shouting “Call her!,” then ran away (probably still giggling like a maniac) as he was perusing the green beans.

That is a fantastic story. You should always do the stuff that’s gonna give you a fantastic story.

Which brings me to regular happening number two – virtually everyone you know will eventually suggest that you try online dating. And you probably should, once you know what to expect. Yes, there are plenty of normal guys on those sites, but they are ridiculously outnumbered by some of the nuttiest yahoos you’re ever going to encounter. Whichever you find, there will be great tales to tell.

So if you’ve thought about trying it, or if you just want a glimpse of what this particular hell bus ride is like for us single girls, or if you don’t have a best friend who will literally throw your telephone number at hot guys in the grocery store, then read on.

Before venturing into online dating territory, you’re going to need to dial your expectations down a notch…or six. Really just however many notches you need to land somewhere in the vicinity of “low.” Like I said, there are plenty of nice, normal guys on these sites, but you’re going to be weeding through whackadoodle to get to them, and that takes time. And Merlot.

I just don’t want you to get too excited yet.

Next, select a dating site. Do some research then join one, maybe two. For the love of all things holy, do not do all of them. You’ll look like a ho.

Shameless Blog Self Promotion! Handy tips for finding out if your man is cruising the dating sites will be coming up in a future post. Seriously, I’m like fucking Sherlock Holmes over here when it comes to finding them. Just ask my last boyfriend. While you’re chatting, ask him how he’s doing on CougarLife.com. Then call him an ass clown and storm off. If there’s a door handy, slam it. Bonus points will be awarded if that door is attached to the Marriott he stays in every week for work, and slams loudly enough to prompt everyone on the eighth floor to come out and investigate the commotion so they arrive just in time to see you leave him. He hates that.

Finally, create your profile. This is the part where you will struggle to sum up your awesomeness in about five to seven paragraphs. You’ll also enter some basic info: height, age, whereabouts, and whatnot. Then you upload your very best pics. We both know you have puh-lenty on Facebook; please do not use this as an opportunity to take selfies in your bathroom mirror.

That’s it! Now, it’s time to sit on your couch in your comfy pants whilst aaaalllll the available chaps in your area go parading across your computer screen. Hide the ones you don’t want: too short, too young, too much facial hair, pretty sure that’s not a man, etc. Will you feel a little shallow doing this? Yes. But physical attraction is important, and you know what you like. Besides, the point is to whittle it down to a decent assortment of men warranting your closer examination. And you can always go un-hide them, if you must.

Besides, they’ll never know you rejected them, unlike that ass at the bar last year who stared at you for 30 minutes while hiding in the giant potted plant next to your table.

Yes, that really happened.

Up next: The Delicate Art of Dating Site Messaging, or Why Proofreading is Important, Kiddos!